the games i play...

it's hard for me to make friends...

i think it's hard for a lot of people to make friends. it's not hard for me to talk to people... i can "talk" to almost anyone, AND find something interesting to talk to them about too. i can get people to "like" me in almost under 10 mins, which is not me boasting, but me stating a fact, which is why parents love me so much when i "go home to meet them". but here is my dilemma...

it's become a game for me...

my game is this: meet someone new at a wedding, at a party, at work... and get them to like me. start them in a conversation in which i can intelligently talk about something with them and then embellish on it so that they find me "completely interesting" and then leave them with something which is gonna make them remember me for a while afterwards. make them go home and tell their roommates, other friends, lovers about "...the most interesting person they met today who was just completely charming" and then i never see them again.

here is my problem though... i HAVE been seeing them again. and what starts out as a game for me, has now become reality for them, the conversation WE had is all they know about me and so when i see them again and they ask me how the astro-biology education is coming along i have to lie to them and tell them it's going great... i can't tell them the truth and admit that i made it all up, cuz then it would make them feel like they wasted all thier time talking to and about me and it would make them hate me for it, not to mention it would mean me losing "the game". AND, now that i've seen them once, i'm probably gonna see them again which means that i have to continue the lie.

i recently lost one of my best friends that way, because he found out the truth. and since i have VERY few friends to begin with, this loss was a huge blow for me. i tried to talk to him and tell him that i was sorry, but i think it's too late for that. you may be thinking that if our whole relationship and friendship was based on lies and deciet then he couldn't have been much of a friend to me, but he was... and now he's gone and i have no one. the thing is, once we started hanging out, i wanted to tell him the truth, but it became harder and harder the longer i put it off.

do i have a problem?? when you think you're never gonna see these people again, it's really all just for a joke, but when they take up residence in your life, it becomes a whole different game, and i'm not sure i know the rules or how to play. i don't know if i even like games anymore...