you better let somebody love you

i've been playing that song over and over again... of course i've heard it before, but i just recently "re-discovered" it on one of my CD's and felt like it was too important to NOT blog about.

my whole life really. i've pushed people away. i don't like to admit it but its the truth.

have you ever heard the theory that the best literature is written while not completely sober.

it's a load. but that's not the point.

i'm here to bare my soul. or try. i'll probably fail. but at least i've tried.

i've been close to... maybe. one person. in my life. maybe.

the rest not really. and i'm not really sure about that one.

i tell people to wear their hearts on their sleeve because i'm afraid to.

getting hurt will do that. you put your heart into something and it's taken and you're never same.

i wish i could tell people what i thought of them. i wish i could. i do.

but i can't. i keep my heart under the sole of my shoe. where no one. not even me. sees it.

i think that endears me to some people. don't know why.

some people seem to like that i don't get mushy. i refuse. i hate to see it. getting mushy. guys trying to impress the girl of their dreams. that's what they think. she really isn't that great.

it's been said. or i think it has. that love isn't finding the perfect person. but loving someone because of their imperfections.

something like that.

something that sounds like a crock to me.

i want to be in love. i want to have someone who i can tell everything to. and i want to never gets hurt.

that's the problem.

you get hurt sometimes.

it's inevitable.

i try to insulate myself from it.

i try hard.

and i don't get hurt the way some people do. by other people.

no. i hurt myself. because i'm so closed off. you might not think it. but it's true.

if someone read this blog from first to last they'd probably know more about me than anyone i've ever known in real life. because here i bare my soul the way i won't to real people. in the real world.

you can't get hurt here. not as much as in the real world.

i need to stop fearing that i'll get stomped on again. i need to travel the road no one does. the common road's far too common for me.

i need to live an incredible life. filled with incredible things.

i need to rassle (not wrestle) a bear. i need to scale the tallest mountain in the world. alone. to prove to the world. and more so. to myself. that i am. indeed. a gaint. i am. indeed. the best that this world has ever made.

i need to write stories that bring grown men to their knees.

take pictures that make grown men cry.

i need to do all these things. to prove to the world. to prove to myself. that i am real. that i am the best. that i was worth the wait.

i know that when i'm sober. this will probably seem less brilliant that it does now.

but either way. it is what it is.

i am what i am.

and fuck people who say you shouldn't write when under the influence.

they've never felt true brilliance. not a day in their life.

frozen toothpaste.