mom knows...

so i finally told my mom about my blog. i don't know why i didn't tell her about it before though. there is nothing really secret in here and she already knows 95% of everything in my life anyway, so she probably won't learn too much else from this little diary of mine, but she did make one comment that made me feel bad. after reading this post of mine, she called me up and asked me if that was how i truly felt. after i said yes, she said that it made her feel really bad, because she had no idea that deep down inside me, i felt so alone. one of the worst feelings in the WORLD is knowing that you've hurt your mom in some way... no one WANTS their mom to worry about them, especially when their mothers and fathers have their own worries to deal with, which is why we always tell our parents that we are doing better than we are. AND, i think deep down moms know that we are fibbing to them... they ARE mothers after all, but i also think that they let us tell them those fibs, because they know that we want them to think that we are doing fine, and they don't say anything about it, because deep down they want to believe it too.

in retrospect, maybe i shouldn't have told mom about my blog. but i'm glad i did... i want her to know me... REALLY know me... i need at least one of my parents to KNOW their son before they die, and it certainly isn't going to be my dad. it's really sad, but true. i'm terrified to tell my dad about me... i'm afraid to really let him into my life, because i'm scared that if i did, he would disown me... and that would kill me.