you tell me

i remember when i was in living in DC. the summer after my freshman year at catholic university i got a job working for the national tour of Ragtime: The Musical. i remember so vividly how excited i was to have that job! to actually be working for a REAL broadway show!! to be a part, no matter how small it may be, of something so big! i was a wide eyed youth, taking everything in, learning everything i could. i think it was the things i learned at that job, that gave me the skills to later become the manager of walt disney theatrical merchandise.

one day, i had finsihed working at the theatre and i was in the metro station waiting for the train to take me home. i was able to get student housing for the summer at CUA. it was pleasant and also lonely. while i was standing on the platform i saw one of the wardrobe ladies waiting for the same train. she was michael rupert's personal wardrobe assistant and since michael was fast becoming one of my best friends on the tour, i felt like i had seen her enough to go up and say hello to her. i walked up to her and said:

"hi... how are you? i didn't know you rode this train! which stop do you go to?"
"i'd appriciate it if you didn't talk to me. when i get off work it's my alone time, so please leave."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i didn't really know what to say. suffice it to say, i left her alone... hell!, i didn't even ride in the same car as her! when i told michael about it the next day, he told me that she wasn't just in a bad mood last night, but that was how she ALWAYS was! i didn't know this, but apparently no body liked her and she was always stressing people out. a couple weeks later she got fired and a new girl took her place and she wasn't even missed... a week later, people couldn't even remember her name, and in under 2 weeks she was forgotten completely.

**********

tonight at work i had carlos for my server assistant (busboy with privleges). everyone knows that carlos' mom just passed away... and the first week after he came back i think everybody tipped him a lot more than they needed to, i guess as their way of saying "i'm sorry your mom died... here's some extra money that you wouldn't normally get to help you out a little." but not me. when i found out that his mom died it made me feel terrible... all i could think about was how i would be feeling if my mom died. so i made the decision to talk to him.

i had been working with this guy for almost 4 months and i realized that i knew NOTHING about him! all i knew was that his name was carlos, he was a busboy at pf changs china bistro and his mom recently died. not much. that day, i took every opportunity to talk to him... it never amounted to more than 5 mins at a time, but i found out so much more than anyone else knew about him... like for instance, he and his mom had been living together in a one bedroom apt and he was supporting both of them on his minimum wage paycheck and tips because she couldn't work and so he was also taking care of her because they couldn't afford a nurse. she was the only family he had out here in LA. after she died he couldn't stay in the apartment by himself and so he moved to a studio apartment a little closer to work. the death hit him pretty hard and so he is on 4 different anti-depressants. he doesn't own a car, so he takes the bus to work... since he works he works evening shifts at work, he doesn't get off until after midnight most nights and cuz it's so late, he usually sits by himself on a bench for at least 30 mins waiting for a bus to come take him home. i got to know so much about him that day, and afterwards he told me that i was the only server at work who actually "talked" to him. the only server who actually made him feel like a person instead of just a busboy. at the end of that particular night, he thanked me for talking to him, i tipped him a little more than i needed to, and went our seperate ways, him to the bus stop and me to my car. as i was driving home that night, i felt really good about myself. like, maybe in some small way, i had helped him out, made a difference. that was about 2 weeks ago.

tonight, i had to stop at the gas station on my way home. as i was pumping my gas i saw carlos walk up to the guy in the booth and buy a soda and cigarettes. i turned my back to him. he never saw me. he got his drink and smokes and walked back to the bus stop and i never said hi to him. the thing is, if he had seen me, i KNOW that he would have said hi to me. it's not that i don't like him, it's just that i didn't want to talk to anyone right then. but in retrospect, what would have been so difficult about saying hi to him... maybe even giving him a ride to his apt which is only 15 mins driving time away from where we were so that he wouldn't have to wait on a cold hard bench for 30 mins to take a 30 minute bus ride home.

have i become that bitch from ragtime?? that bitch that everyone forgot about, but me. maybe i'm the only one who remembers her for a reason... maybe we are all destined to remember and become one person in this world that society and time have forgotten. i don't know... it's late, i'm tired and maybe this is all just rambling stream of consciousness, but all i know is that i DO NOT want to become that wardrobe lady from ragtime... yet at the same time, i can't stop thinking about her. what would have been so hard about talking to carlos? what would have been so hard...?